Author Topic: Gaming and Depression (Or my personal story of depression/how gaming changed me)  (Read 6901 times)

whenwherewolves

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Hi guys. My name is Warren. Yes, I realize this isn't a NA or depression forum. I just really like this game, so I assume the folks who also dig it (and made it) wouldn't mind a healthy discussion on the matter.  ;D


I'm 29 years old, still living at my parents, and I work at Burger King (which is funny because my last name is Burger) and I work for minimum wage. Ladies, I'm single, too.  ;)  I've suffered through pill addiction for the past 10 years and the depression for.. well.. as long as I can remember.


My cousin, a dear dear friend, introduced me to gaming. Instantly, I was hooked. It took me a couple years to convince my 'rents to buy me a NES and even longer for a computer. My dad was/is all about sports and christianity. I wasn't into sports, but I was a christian at the time.. Southern Baptist to be precise. Now I'm agnostic. Oh, my parents also bought be an Atari Jaguar once, too. It was really cheap in some magazine. I was so stoked...


Then so, very, very disappointed. That system sucked, but I wish I still had it.


So, yeah. I got really into pc gaming. It all started with King's Quest 6, still one of my all time favs. Luckily, my neighbor let me borrow it. He never asked for it back, either. He wasn't much of a gamer. We did play a lot of Golden Eye together cause he had an N64.


My dad hated it, still does.. gaming. He used to call me a fat lump and a blob because I was sitting in front of a computer playing games. I was probably around 10 or 11. It made me feel worthless, but I also played football and took karate (which I didn't enjoy either much because I wasn't very good at either) I wanted to quit.


I discovered a little game creation tool, ZZT. And I started learning the programming language and making games. I never fully completed one, though. It's still around, though, so the option for me to do that is still out there.


Anyways, I wanted to quit the sports activities to focus on gaming. I was a kid. My dad wasn't havin' none of it. Calling me a quitter and acting like he was so disappointed in me, it sucked. I guess that's around when the depression started. And the bullying kids, the ones calling me fat at school. A girl screaming "EWWWWW!!" when I asked her for a dance in middle school dance.


High school was better. I had grown into myself, I was actually kind of cute! I was in a metal band! I was more into girls and socializing that my homework or even gaming. I did play a lot of PS2 once I found my high school sweetheart, cause guess what! She liked to play games, too! We dated for 2 years and I swear we were in love. Not long after we graduated, she was killed in a car accident. She was only 18.

That's when I stopped caring. Dropped out of college, started doing drugs. Started with weed, then nerve pills, meth, pain pills, to shooting morphine. This continued for around 10 years. Got into trouble with the law multiple times. 3 DUI's. During this time, though, I was gaming as well. Quite a lot.

My parents started resenting me (for good reason) I stole from them, wrote fake checks, sold my dad's gun and some of my mom's jewelry to pawn. I was pawning my gaming system and music equipment all of the time, usually picking them back up, but sometimes not. Lost a lot of good systems/computers for that reason. :-\


Anyways, this is getting long winded.


I've now been going to an addiction treatment center now for 6 months, they give me medication to ween me off of my 10 year spree. My parents are cool as long as I have a job, but I really wanna do a gaming podcast. I've been doing good and gaming has become a much bigger hobby for me. Bought quite a few systems and games. Still can't afford a gaming rig PC, but I got good indie games I can play like Quest for Infamy! And GOG games and dosbox to play games my shitty laptop. Fallout, anyone?


So, gaming has been with me through my worst and best times. Maybe it's all part of my addictive nature, but it damn well feels like it's helped me more than it's hurt. I know people can become addicted to video games, as well. So should I avoid gaming while I fix myself? Or should I keep on gaming as I get better? I'm going to do the latter either way.  :P


Thanks for listening. If you have dealt with any of these issues, feel free to share them. Thanks.

Chadly

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Sorry to hear about your personal struggle with drugs guy.  I have had a few run ins with substances and alcohol myself.  Got arrested a few times too.  If gaming helps you stay clean and sober then continue.  I beleive that one makes a Choice to use drugs or drink too much.  Making an excuses for why your an addict or drunk doesnt help the problem.  Its a choice to do these things, that grows into an addiction.  For instance when i was a teenager i chose to start smoking cigarrettes for whatever reason. Took me twenty years to quit because i really liked smoking.  I still like smoking but know that it will end up killing me.  So hunkered down and quit. Not easy for sure and there are days when i would like nothing better than go buy a pack of Marlboro's.  But then the addiction would start all over again.  Nicotine i swear is the most addictive drug, even more than heroin.  I say Moderation in all things is best.  Good luck with your recovery and if you need to talk to someone who has been clean for 13 years give me a pm.  Chadly :)
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Kaldire

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I dont really want to comment on drugs, minus my coffee and cigs and 420,
ive done everything under the sun minus needles

my ex .. its why we divorced she is still on meth

but
back to the topic

my mum when i was a kid used to call nintendo console the NO-Friendo
now she takes that back and is calling the ipods and phones way worse in her eyes as my daughter just sits all day on the phone even when she could talk she texts or uses apps

sigh
I dont like the tech of this gen but at the same time i do,
me .. I wont get a new modern phone
mine is non touch screen and 5$ from india, it even has HEZBOLLAH in the dictionary if that tells you anything!
wtf!


haha nofriendo = nintendo.. hehee
ty japanese rpgs!

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garr

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My folks used to rare about my passion for running. Did it six days a week year round, right on through winter, never less than 44 miles a week at lowest and up to 56 and more in the peak competitive season of 26 milers. Started gaming in the late 80's and have invested lots of cash. Used to think Millers High Life was the ultimate brew, then one morning after, opened fridge and saw that last bottle and it looked so green. Things started churning and hurried to the commode. Never fealt so bad since having the mumps years before and I figured it was time to stop.

What ever happened to the good old days when us kids smoked grape vine and chewed rag weed?

Back to gaming, I've discovered that old DOS games run really well in a dos box on Win 7 64 bit. Am now starting up with Conquest Of Camelot: Search For The Holy Grail and I have tons of others, was surprised at how many Sierra games I have.

>>>
Sorry about that blooper. As you can see I've corrected it.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2014, 10:41:07 AM by garr »

Kaldire

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you mean conquests of camelot? thats not a qfg game :P
but i get ya
"Larger than life and twice as natural!"

whenwherewolves

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Chadly, thanks man. I'm not trying to make excuses at all, just giving a little back story. I mean, is it crazy that it took me and is still taking me over 10 years to get over my g/f dying? She was special, but she would have wanted me to follow my dreams.. which all during high school, I was all about music and ps2. Completely straight edge. I even wore X's on my hands at shows at one point at hardcore/metal shows we used to go to. But when she died, I went into escape mode. Had sex with crazy amounts of partners and I can't even remember all their names. I took on a true "I"ll try anyone/anything once" attitude. Of course that led to me really like some of the substances and I used it to escape.


10 years pass....


Holy shite, what have I done wif my life?!


So, as a man, new to the scene of reality.. I consider video games the most natural and the perfect artform. With music at a close second... BUT GAMES HAVE MUSIC!!!  ;D 


BTW, you can hear my solo stuff online. Kind of experimental punk/electronica/8bit/dance/metal all done in Fruity Loops and Audacity. I'm not gonna post a link, because I'm not here to spam you guys.. Well, maybe once I get vocals done to all the songs. The ones that need them, at least.


Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah.. depression. That's.. depression. I don't want to feel this way after a long night's work.. hmmm.


I think it's time to be happy, play some games, work on some projects, maybe do a little reading. Knight of the Black Rose is burning a hole in my bookshelf.


Garr, I should get into running. I switched to ecigs which seems to help quite a bit. I've always been told if you wanna quit smoking, start running. And that's a good choice of game for good ole' DOSBOX.. Here's some suggestions for you.. Lands of Lore 1, Eye of the Beholder 2, Anvil of Dawn, The 1st 3 Fallout's, Freelancer, Planescape: Torment (SWEEET GAME lots of reading), Ultima 7, god there are just too many good games from every era.


Kaldfire, my dad probably wishes he knew that phrase. lol. No-Friendo! Great. Don't knock mobile phone/tablet gaming until you've tried it. Adult Swim has put out a few great mobile games. Uh... Robot Unicorn Attack 2, anyone? It's good stuff! I've just got a cheap ass walmart smart phone, pay as you go. It gets laggy with most games, but a few work quite well. I bet your phone had some crazy game built in. Or not. I dunno.


You're all good friendo's. Or friendlies, as I've grown accustomed to saying. Time for happy time!


*happy happy joy joy*

« Last Edit: October 20, 2014, 01:54:57 AM by whenwherewolves »

Chadly

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@whenwherewolves  I;m not suggestting that you make excuses for your addictions, i'm saying many people do.  I always owned my addictions. They were mine, mine, and mine!  Finding sobriety is always a great thing, and if gaming, music etc keeps you there then do it man! :)    Sorry about your gf tho.  For me it was my child passing away suddenly of SIDS. Drove me over the edge for a long time. Came back tho and now nearly 15 years later im a productive, happy person, who doesnt use drugs to cope.  I still drink a few beers now and again tho. Also probally a little to fond of Chocolate milk shakes and such. But hey one step at a time.
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Kaldire

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as for the running,
urmm
I used to be,  yes USED TO BE
a marathon runner, and hurdles and just standard long distance
I cant sprint for poop unless cops or mean dogs are chasing me

new studies show that running is actually BAD FOR YOU
just walking fast is the best method
running puts tons of wear on the legs and mainly hips and knees.
so try not to run as a past time, or dont run to much and walk fast mostly

a note from doctor steven kaldire festa: phd in bs (but this is a true fact read about it!)

Ive always owned my drugs and or addictions also,
even playing games as said is an addiction, if you sit 10-20 hours a day playing until eyes bleed you have issues to sort, or a job to get!

as for my 420 I use it to cope!
im skinny as a twig, when I smoke, i eat and sleep, and as you all prolly can tell, KAL NEEDS to smoke,
imagine me without that... id be rampant on here more so than normal :P

games being the most natural art form is a bit strange but im not one to take anyone's paradigm away,
ill just say its not natural, but im being literal,
music is..
just looking at the sunset or sunrise is natural art, rain etc

I used to go to plenty of punk and death metal shows, no one pushed drugs there,
and i was in cali, if they are going to do that it would be here :P

drugs are just to easy to get anywhere, its why I dont even talk to neighbors anymore, just a new era of hello can i borrow a cup o sugar? oh no.. we have meth tho!

ahh no no no

so again from one guy who has done everything but needles
the hardest drugs to get off
were not meth, nor cocaine,
but pills
klonipin  even stevie nicks says the same thing, they are terrible the benzos and narcotic pills

followed by meth and cocaine then CIGS
hard as hell to stop but meh,
I didnt smoke for 15 years until my divorce then started again, I feel so run down all the time,
need to stop..

pot, shrooms, acid  alll nice drugs when used properly
minus maybe the acid, and no kids i dont condone these just saying whats friendly vs evil

ive seen perfectly functioning meth and cocaine addicts, one teaching chemistry at UCD(davis CA)
soo yea fun there !

I have tried suicide since i was NINE years old up until about 19 years old
mental institutions for cutting on my arms (no not like that  actually suicide attempts
I think i tried almost everything in the book but fire death,
even took weights and tied them to my legs and jumped in the pool
woke up in a helicopter

games in life at least computer games are late in the human race game,
but games have existed since the dawn o time im sure with head basket ball and old chess n checkers
but gaming being a natural art idk..
i wont take that from you if thats what helped you, but its modern man

I stopped the suicide bs when i figured that i really did want to live just not as I was living,
so I stopped drugs, (not age 9 haha I was just a really, realistic world view kid)
to be honest, i see things, not like that!
so any one point in time my brain thinks about 90000 things,
so if im driving and a light changes my brain tallies the % and ratios of getting hit or not ..
then i vision it all, and see which path is most likely to happen,
odd thing is most times im right,
so that vision ive had since i was a kid, which led me to drugs,
and I still have this .. odd % sight even today,
esp after my daughter came into the world ahhh
anyone with a newborn knows what im saying,
and that... is what really changed my life, more than anything,  a child :P


mmm choco shakes   
OOO and now i want a shake!

oh and as for mobile gaming and apps its not that that is upsetting
its how the modern world no longer talks verbally, or very little,
as seen with my teen,
even if she is SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HER FRIEND she will text.. instead of just turn and talk
THATS SICK  and not ok

people that waited for the apple 6 iphones, sat in line for like 2 days camped out, videos and pics taken show that not once did anyone talk to eachother in 2 days of sitting in a line, they just sat on their god damned phones

soo ive tried it, and trust me the games on mobile phones are total shit, and the ones that arent are avail on steam anyway..
or my tablet..

but again not my point, this is a new epidemic, with kids the millenials i think they are called,
I used to say WII WARRIORS  back when that was released, nintendo even put a book of how to play in the wii box, said to put it in THE DARKEST ROOM you had,
ok so no light..
use one hand and arm to play

so i had a TIME MACHINE style vision of a new race of wii warriors , one tiny T rex arm one HUGE arm from the wii controller, and pale from no sun due to it messing with the wiimote
haha

thank god wii never got that popular  though I still love some games on it..
anyway im blabbing again, need to stop that kal...
ok kal

:)


"Larger than life and twice as natural!"

garr

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 :) :) :) Hey Kal, an old article stated that "Scientists have discovered that running causes cancer in laboratory rats". Well DUH... I'm not a GD rat!  >:( Never started distance running untill my late 40's. Prior to that was a sprinter and in high school could do a 5.2 first 50. Once in the army at Ft. Hood, Texas, in a 100 actually slowed down and walked across the finish line and still won the race. All in all, running and fitness has been my savior from a more or less reckless life style. Heck, I once warmed up with 250 lbs. and could do a full squat with 300 lbs. and do a dead lift of 400+ lbs. That eventually caught up with me in older life in the form of three inguinal hernias.

Blackthorne

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Talking about your problems, additions and other personal maladies isn't an easy thing.  I'm very impressed by what you guys have chosen to share here, and I'm just glad that something as silly as our little game has, in some small way, affected you positively.

I've often struggled with severe depression myself, and it's often been working on these games over the years and the friendships I have made with my team-mates that have gotten me through some very hard times.


Bt
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Kaldire

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:) :) :) Hey Kal, an old article stated that "Scientists have discovered that running causes cancer in laboratory rats". Well DUH... I'm not a GD rat!  >:( Never started distance running untill my late 40's. Prior to that was a sprinter and in high school could do a 5.2 first 50. Once in the army at Ft. Hood, Texas, in a 100 actually slowed down and walked across the finish line and still won the race. All in all, running and fitness has been my savior from a more or less reckless life style. Heck, I once warmed up with 250 lbs. and could do a full squat with 300 lbs. and do a dead lift of 400+ lbs. That eventually caught up with me in older life in the form of three inguinal hernias.

a gd rat?
lol
hope ur not taking this the wrong way,
I was a track runner since highschool then quit after I started 420, but I was at sac state and running and doing marathons,
it was published that running to often and long distances does indeed hurt you in life, heart, knees feet etc

im to skinny to do those squats ! i only weigh 127lbs 6 foot 1!
as for sprinting, im not slow, but im not fast like that,  the fastest guy in college oddly was a 300 lb guy
he could sprint very fast but not for long, due to his legs supporting the weight he would say..
fast as as hell!

i can do infinite pushups and pullups and situps , due to my low weight, and my body type is that of bruce lee, no joke, super skinny but muscles just not over overbearingly so

nice to see we have loads in common man!
did ye ever do hurdles? those,  are fun but sucked at first until you learn to lift that back foot or you do a face plant,  one guy busted his jaw, and lost 5 teeth on day 2 of the hurdles was really.. not funny
ok well it was but not.. one of those things lol

and to the bossman

cheers bt!

I have a few quotes for this thread from yes bad religion

"your deepest desires
 are a picture of tomorrow
 all your darkest fears
 are just a vestige of regret"

"it seems like such a long way to go
 as obstacles get bigger,
 prevailing winds blow stronger
 and the fire continues to grow
 don't let shallow water limit your perception
 heed the new horizon,
 muster to it fast
 the moments of your yesterdays
 are in the wake behind you
 you can't assess the future
 if you're living in the past"

"Larger than life and twice as natural!"

whenwherewolves

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Natural is a strange word for me. We, as human beings, are natural.. so what we create is natural as well, even if it's bad for the environment. Not saying that's a good thing! I guess I take a pretty zen approach with everything, I believe that everything that exists on the planet to be natural, because.. well..


It's here.


I've got bad knees so I'm not sure if running is the option for me anyways. Right now, coming off the bad stuff and working at the same time is quite the workout. lol


Glad people actually responded to this post. It means a lot!

garr

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Don't know if this is right forum, but for the Dark Seed games; already had DS1 pre-installed and burned to a disk directory. Copied it to hd and it runs great in dosbox from win 7.

Darkseed 2 however, made for win 95, hangs on installation in XP 32 bit and it also tries to install vt something or other. I've seen posts that says win 3.1 in dosbox is needed.  :o

How to get it at least installed, then transferred same way as DS1 to win 7 and run from dosbox. Or is there someway to install it directly to win 7 64 bit. Dosbox won't do it, says windows is needed.

Kaldire

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Natural is a strange word for me. We, as human beings, are natural.. so what we create is natural as well, even if it's bad for the environment. Not saying that's a good thing! I guess I take a pretty zen approach with everything, I believe that everything that exists on the planet to be natural, because.. well..


It's here.


I've got bad knees so I'm not sure if running is the option for me anyways. Right now, coming off the bad stuff and working at the same time is quite the workout. lol


Glad people actually responded to this post. It means a lot!

HUG!

as for the natural, well I agree to a point, but, lol
robots , unnatural, nature the core word isnt defined in such a way but i do see how your tree goes and yep its true
any product of us, is us, but I dont want to get into taoist paradigms haha

I can just name so many unnatural things, but that would digress your point :P

HUGE HUG

hang in there bros and sistas
we all love ya!
"Larger than life and twice as natural!"

Kaldire

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Don't know if this is right forum, but for the Dark Seed games; already had DS1 pre-installed and burned to a disk directory. Copied it to hd and it runs great in dosbox from win 7.

Darkseed 2 however, made for win 95, hangs on installation in XP 32 bit and it also tries to install vt something or other. I've seen posts that says win 3.1 in dosbox is needed.  :o

How to get it at least installed, then transferred same way as DS1 to win 7 and run from dosbox. Or is there someway to install it directly to win 7 64 bit. Dosbox won't do it, says windows is needed.

garr make a new thread!
I already talked about HR giger in a thread for qfg 4.5! lol so yea we tend to digress lots
me esp,
as for ds1 that works fine,
as for ds2 on win 7 64 bit, it works depending on what ver you have,
did you get the real cd or a torrent? the gog release is still pending so that says something! , etc
dosbox isnt needed for ds2... doesnt hurt, again most of these games i still recommend virtual machines to run em, but as a huge HR giger fan I have tried ds2 and it worked for me, just had to run in hard core compat mode, and disabled aero etc,

make a thread and lets chats, or pm me etc,
again im the get almost any game to work guy

hmm someone still owes me 2000 pennies for getting the sega cd game a workin! wink wink
"Larger than life and twice as natural!"